Alive and Unhindered

I’ve got to be real with you. The past month or so has been a struggle for me to latch onto my identity and my calling. I’ve felt a barrage of many voices telling me I can’t write anymore; I shouldn’t do this anymore. I’m not good enough. No one cares. I let it get to me, and I wanted to be honest with you. I let myself get to a place of self-doubt and worry and most of all, a place of fear and people pleasing.

I had a breakthrough conversation with my wife the other day. I told her I’ve been feeling a struggle to want to make others happy, whether it be with friends, family, or with spiritual teachers that I follow and don’t even necessarily know them personally. She helped me to realize that often my own convictions get pushed to the side because I try too hard to want to align with what other people are doing, or what my perception is of what they would want me to be doing, even if I don’t know them. Like somehow, I’m giving them control over my life, all so that I can feel like they would be proud of my choices.

Another eye opener came about when I recently had been trying to connect with an old acquaintance that I hadn’t talked to in a few years. After some reflection, I realized my motivation was based on wanting to please him to gain his approval and friendship. I was trying to take a shortcut to be his friend without doing the work.

I then became aware I do this often, how I try to manipulate relationships with people. For example, doing things or mimicking behavior that I know that they will approve of so that they have no other option than to like me. I tend to study people and emulate them so that it buffers my chance of failure and hopefully ensures that they like me because I’ve arranged everything in my favor.

However, what ends up happening in these instances is that even though I may gain an acquaintance or even a friendship with someone for a time, it turns out to be hollow because the friendship was never built on truth. It was a manufactured reality that I created. I set up a false image of myself before them so that they would like that image, while hiding my true self behind it.

The truth is, I believe I do this because I am afraid of putting the ball in someone else’s court to choose to love me (or reject me), or to choose to be my friend when I present my real self to them. It is a place of vulnerability. I am beginning to understand that I am robbing people of a chance to love me for who I am, and for true authentic souls to reveal themselves. The kind of people I want to be friends with anyway.

By constantly disguising myself and not presenting the truth, I am thereby putting out a vibration that I believe attracts people who are only looking for superficial relationships.

I’ve been wondering how I can pursue congruency in who I am and what I want to do. Something inside me keeps nudging that I need to press forward with my passions regardless of what people think of me. I think that is true freedom.

For me, I would rather be hated for what I am, than praised for what I am not. For in that place at least I am in a place of being OK with myself and allowing others to either accept or reject what is true.

Have you ever felt the same way? Do you ever find yourself lost in a sea of others’ opinions, whether it be friends, family, teachers or spiritual gurus? What if the very thing you are seeking to get approval from is the very thing that is holding you back from being who God has made you to be? What if you are more ready right now than you realize to step forward in fullness and charge forward into your destiny?

I’ve always enjoyed writing, and I think I have much more inside of me to give. I’ve just been often afraid of stepping out and being my own man and charting my own course. The fear of others’ opinions, and the fear of failure has controlled me for too long.

I think it’s time to step out of the boat and trust God to take us where he wants us to go. Even if it goes against what other people think or want. At the end of the day, I think we must be in resonance with what we feel to be true deep down inside us.

We are responsible for what God is telling us, not what other people’s opinions are about what we should do. I don’t know what’s in their heart. but I know what is in mine. And all I can do is pursue my own journey, wherever that leads and trust that the God of the Universe will be right here with me every step of the way to keep my feet on the right path.

Here’s to no longer being afraid. We can all do this, even if it’s just one day at a time.